Shit day and Schumann for dessert.

So whoever had a shit day out there, I suggest they do what I have done today. It seemed the roof was falling on my head I had so many problems and they seemed to have no end. If fact I was so stressed out I slept half of the afternoon just to turn off my brain. Since my particular crisis didn't end today and maybe will end tomorrow I was expecting to be full of nervous nail biting and pacing the room back and forth. Instead I reached for the unusual cure - I called a friend of mine to come over and accompany me on the piano while I massacre Dichterliebe (Poet's Love) song cycle by Schumann. This was a new experience for me. I have sung before with recordings in the background and I thought I was pretty good, well at least better than the usual singing-in-the-bathroom. This time I was accompanied on a real piano to a tempo and volume which I chose and it was only me singing. I focused on three songs that seemed challenging but manageable and of course started with most excited one "Ich grolle nicht" only to loose my voice after 5 minutes of singing with full voice and no warm up. Still it was terrific fun and we laughed to no end looking at each other with every new bar we'd terribly trash. A porn-star in Venice singing Schumann to accompaniment of a contemporary opera composer who sees the score more as a guideline rather than anything to adhere to. I laughed when i was bad but I laughed double when I was good. The most difficult song of the cycle ("Ich hab'im Traum geweinet") happens to be the easiest looking on the page and fact has fewest notes to play but for the singer expressively it can Mount Everest and delivering it convincingly is as involving as sniffing poppers in the sling in the darkroom full of hard cocks. Well maybe its not the most eloquent parallel but intensity of the experience is definitely comparable. For most of the time voice is unaccompanied and you feel completely exposed. It opens with a long solo phrase that you need to intonate perfectly and bring to a crescendo and diminuendo within only two and a half bars. It takes a good ear and real balls to do it as that one phrase says everything about you as a singer and performer. We finished breaking our teeth on "Im Rhein in heiligen Strome" which is the most balanced of the three songs and has parts where you can open up and sing your lungs out, and parts that require whisper-like voice. All in all my earlier problem disappeared for two hours. Who would think? Better then smoking, drinking or taking hard drugs - I'm getting old, am I? Too bad most of these songs set 19th century poetry which in our day seems tacky in how it simplifies the love topics. My German sucks but with dome dictionary help I made a translation of the song I mentioned to be as challenging as climbing a mountain. But the text; touching in its own way, could it be any simpler? I have in wept in my dreams. I dreamed you lay in the grave. I woke up and the tears still flowed down from my cheeks. I have wept in my dreams. I dreamed you abandoned me. I woke up and I wept very long and bitterly. I have wept in my dreams, I dreamed you were still good to me. I woke up, and yet again my face floods in tears. Back to porno and sex in the next chapter.

Venice can be so surprising.

So on the pages of same boring Gay Romeo who's dull members I was bashing earlier this weekend, I have met tonight no one less but a real composer, visiting Venice for a month and composing his second opera. We talked a moment online and decided to meet right afterwards at Piazza San Marco under the tower. It was 2 am. Venice is hot and humid and tonight reminds more of tropical Rio then north Italy. We strolled by a few always gorgeous views of city by night, the pinkins white street lamps, the stars, the dispersed light of a bright moon hanging in the most kitschy way between the roofs of some old charming palaces. We came to my house talking about composers and music and listened for three hours to various new music exchanging first listening impressions. And it all happened at the spare of a moment. Where else in the western city busy with cars and spread over the distances could it happen? Venice is just magical in this and many other ways. I'm so happy to have found it.

"U sucked my dick and more.."

So this is now a weekly occurrence, some completely average looking guy, excuse for being insensitive, is talking to me on GayRomeo or manhunt like we were old friends. Of course I've no clue who he is and why he thinks I'm going to have children with him so I ask if we know each other. The answer is always the same: "of course i met (u) in Berghain (a disco in Berlin)... u sucked my dick and more...". Same was in Madrid, already on the first night some Brazilan guy seriously disappointed that I didn't remember him, and when I inquired more in detail it turned out that he allegedly fisted me 4 years ago in NYC. So fucking what? Him and the other guy and 99% of them were average or below average fucks. If you dont give it your best and are average, then dont expect me to remember your name. I was letting it go and I have no choice but continue to ignore these half-brained mediocracies in the future but their sense of self-importance just stuns me every time. I have a whole really long post about what took place in Madrid, in fact almost 2 small book chapters so I'm working on posting that partially this weekend. What an exciting place...

I love Madrid!

I met a very special guy. Not a hooker. Nor super smart but amazing for the bedroom and really sweet. Spanish. Hot, does porn too. Oh did I mention he really gets off on fisting me? I dont have a picture but he has hot tattoos and perfect body since he is a personal trainer, cute face, but not cute as a button, in fact has some spaces between his front teeth which when he smiles gives him a the very same strange attractiveness like the street models from the Caravaggios paintings But the best is sex - he is fucking amazing and although didn't do it before to classical music he intuitively knows how to do it well to the music. I am not doing drugs but I feel so fucking high on love when I kiss him - ahhhhh did I tell you he is the best kisser for me - as if we were a hand and a glove - fitting perfectly every time our lips touch each other. I will take some pictures...

Crisis of morality

Since nobody reads this blog, at least nobody I know of i think its best to write without a filter. I'm personally terrible at the type of marketing that would be suitable here as in - say who got fucked by who and why was it hot. Thats not a big enough part of my adventures to really write about this. I for no better reason that he was negative and boring me for the most part I have left now my new only a year old relationship. I feel bad because the guy is hot and sweet and loves me and tries to do things for me and never says no and helps to do petty things in my life that I despise to take care of. But not every angel is inspiring, I felt like this one was always too negative and always predicting the doom. Its hard to be around someone who does things for you but at the same time impedes your chances for doing things in your life, whispering in your ear that it will all go wrong, and that its best to live small and safe taking no risks in life. Its sad we could not find a common ground at the end but its not the end of the world for either of us. Since I dont like to be alone I am now thinking what to do. Of course endless number of people tell me how hot I am and just wants to fuck me, to the point it doesn't even register. The really hot ones that I would like to fuck in fact all turn out to be hookers so they request money. What ever happened to sex for free I dont know. When I was more skinny and less looking like a ripped delicious beefcake it was just easier to hook up with average guys and have satisfaction from sex. Now that I look really hot and I appreciate how much work and dedication it takes at my age (36) especially, I am looking to play with guys that look like me. And here is the problem - I have done all this work to set myself out for disappointment because all other guys who have done similar amount of work want to cash out on it. Today I wrote to a really hot guy online: "Isn't it sad, that I am a porn producer and a porn actor and you are and escort. In the normal world I would say - "Hi you're hot do you want to have sex with me? And maybe you would say yes." And in our case you need to make money and I need to make a film so we have to exchange money for work we're going to be doing." So here we are at the crossroads of classical morality - is it acceptable these days to pay someone to get to know you, or to keep it pure must we rather wait for Mr. Perfect to show up at some social party or bump into him on the street or just passively wait. In the modern day of technology we have options we never had before; we can go online and checking the number of boxes with requirements sort out through the databases of thousands of guys and come up with the statistically most likely picks. Well science wise its makes all the sense. Practice-wise I come up with he list of porn stars and hookers and insecure guys with head cut off in their pics. We scroll past the insecure ones and we're left with the choice of writing guys who want to get paid. Now anyone would tell you who works as an escort that they are not online to look for romance but to get a paying client, so writing them to go out with me on a date is no use as they will rightfully so request money. Another silly option is to make yourself also an escort profile and then write to the hot guy of your choice and offer "an exchange of services". No matter how dumb it sounds it actually works sometimes but, from my experience is not a very effective method to find a boyfriend. Most people will just say no and assume you are being annoying. So the last choice is to pull out your wallet and pay. Or is it? And what are we paying for - for sex, - that seems to get more value for your buck, or we take a guy on a romantic dinner during which he is nice to you because he gets paid by the hour. Damned if you do, damned if you dont seems to me. So here I am trying to scrap all the morality and say to myself to hell with all this, I am going to make an offer; You go to a dinner-date with me and if we like each other and everything goes well I will pay all your bills and you dont have to do escorting again in your life. Just become my partner and companion. In a few words I am taking a chance to have a kept boy. Many people will say at this point - what a ridiculous idea! and what a set up for failure! Furthermore, some will say Matthias, but you are too young to be paying for sex, especially for love. Love cant be bought, and so on. Well I think that it has to be taken as another adventure. I think the wealth of human wisdom comes not only from study of history but from the first had experience and in the matters of heart and finding a partner, there are no answers that you can borrow from someone. You just have to try it. The concept of a kept boy, of a sponsor is nothing really repulsive or new. If you think of your chances to find a guy that will be sexually compatible with you, fulfilling your eyes desire and be intellectually stimulating, your chance of finding one is close to winning a lottery ticket, and as we most play the lottery for their entire lives and nothing happens. So what to do if I as I mentioned before I just broke up with a guy and I dont like to stay alone - wait for Mr. Perfect?, take another Mr. Unperfect and concede to many character and physical flaws and sacrifices, or perhaps, maybe, try to divide the needs between "providers" so to say. So for example you take a kept boy with a musculature and looks that make passers by melt in their tracks, and become close friends with some people who can help you develop intellectually. Brazilian or Thai like I had recently they all do just fine in bed and are so pleasing to wake up to their sight. It makes sense because the intellectual types with whom you would like to discuss art and poetry are usually not the ones that go to the gym and will passionately fist you flexing their biceps all night long. So its not a news that the morality as we know it is useless in matters of love in modern society. I think that without being cynical we ought to think more of function of usefulness of other people in our lives. And although it sounds very cold, and although me may turn a blind eye at it people has always come and gone from our lives as their usefulness expired. Not all of them but most. And the only difference is that I would like to have active control over than rather then let it all happen by chance. And then again I think whats so wrong with sponsoring someone while their useful for your company and bodily pleasures. We have all at some point in one way or another sponsored or helped out a lover or let someone else to live off of us, it just sort of happened. It maybe happened with less cynicism, but was the price we paid any smaller? Did we unnoticeably suffer any less? I dont think so. I think deep inside we all know that all of us are users and takers at the same time. Its just a matter of being open about it or pretending that such thing never happens to us. From ancient Greece and Roman Empire we have the accounts of someone keeping someone for their benefit, but then at least, in the case of older men keeping younger men in the house for the purpose os sex and company, people were open about it and writers and philosophers have recorded that duly. Then came the time of Christianity and slavery of women towards men was just renamed a marriage. With all the respect to the fact that women did not have access to education thus not being able to provide for the house on the same level as men, I think that the idea that we are marrying someone to satisfy all our needs is just a failed cause. However if we marry several people and provide for them so that they would satisfy our various needs then we can talk about greater chances for happiness. To follow the thought to the end, if an Arabian sheik can have multiple wives and there is not even a second split doubt that he pays for them, why should I not try to do the same and have a few boys around the house, for cleaning, for cooking, for sex, and for good conversation. By now, everyone who read this thinks I'm certifiably insane but I have to mention that for at least three recent months I have lived in such a polyamorous relationship and I was really happy. As with all good things they come and go - in particular beauty wears off and company that was fresh is no longer appealing, things become routine and boring. So maybe the only answer is to cycle relationships for the sake of maximum pleasure. I dont know how much of it is real philosophical discovery, and how much is a ridiculous rant, but tomorrow I am going on a date with a super hot candidate for a kept bedroom boy and I am very excited about it. This is going to be my next adventure.