Crisis of Morality Part II (cont. from story started in the summer.)

It's December 2010 but 6 months later I still have my head full of thoughts on this summer Spanish trip of mind. So Lets rewind to July 7. Yes the trip took place indeed. Yes I met the models, hookers and wanna-be lovers. No I didn't see the city much. Has anything remained? As i sat on the return airplane, I had a strong feeling of intoxication with a couple of people in particular with one... Have I left my hear in Madrid? Thats yet to be seen but i definitely had to squeeze out some more love from that heart for yet another person. So to organize events, I arrived early afternoon and frantically looked for a barber and a gym so i could look good for my evening date with Allesandro the Brazilian hooker whom I mentioned in the previous chapter. The weather was hot and full of hot muscled young guys arriving for the gay pride. I guess to accomplish my task of finding a new boyfriend I could have been staying in my hotel for the whole time and just hanging out by the elevators, - those were full of beef with wide open eyes looking right and left checking everybody out. You could smell the air thickening from male pheromones. One day when I'm old and crippled by arthritis I will remember these days as so happy and so confusing. Sex drive and sex addiction being same for me, can both give you some of the most wonderful experiences and blind you to the outside world. Whats better?; go see the three important Madrid museums or make out for hours with three most gorgeous guys you can find. Maybe it takes two separate trips. On the pic it Tommy, one of the guys I met duriong that trip. Clearly pissed off at me and uncomfortable probably chewing his jaws at that moment - but therefore so adorable. So much passion in these eyes, so much yearning and insecurity, so much restrained anger - so much love mixed with hate. Once of the most endearing sights. I always thought that day with each glance Tommy was drilling with his piercing eyes inside my brain, looking for some answers trying to analyze me. Answers he didn't know for what. Poor thing was so lost and so angry one moment and so tender another. Turbulent youth at best. Today I miss him so much. In the next post I'll introduce another candidate carefully chosen for my little experiment.

Crisis of Morality Part II (cont. from story started in the summer.)

It's December 2010 but 6 months later I still have my head full of thoughts on this summer Spanish trip of mind. So Lets rewind to July 7. Yes the trip took place indeed. Yes I met the models, hookers and wanna-be lovers. No I didn't see the city much. Has anything remained? As i sat on the return airplane, I had a strong feeling of intoxication with a couple of people in particular with one... Have I left my hear in Madrid? Thats yet to be seen but i definitely had to squeeze out some more love from that heart for yet another person. So to organize events, I arrived early afternoon and frantically looked for a barber and a gym so i could look good for my evening date with Allesandro the Brazilian hooker whom I mentioned in the previous chapter. The weather was hot and full of hot muscled young guys arriving for the gay pride. I guess to accomplish my task of finding a new boyfriend I could have been staying in my hotel for the whole time and just hanging out by the elevators, - those were full of beef with wide open eyes looking right and left checking everybody out. You could smell the air thickening from male pheromones. One day when I'm old and crippled by arthritis I will remember these days as so happy and so confusing. Sex drive and sex addiction being same for me, can both give you some of the most wonderful experiences and blind you to the outside world. Whats better?; go see the three important Madrid museums or make out for hours with three most gorgeous guys you can find. Maybe it takes two separate trips. On the pic it Tommy, one of the guys I met duriong that trip. Clearly pissed off at me and uncomfortable probably chewing his jaws at that moment - but therefore so adorable. So much passion in these eyes, so much yearning and insecurity, so much restrained anger - so much love mixed with hate. Once of the most endearing sights. I always thought that day with each glance Tommy was drilling with his piercing eyes inside my brain, looking for some answers trying to analyze me. Answers he didn't know for what. Poor thing was so lost and so angry one moment and so tender another. Turbulent youth at best. Today I miss him so much. In the next post I'll introduce another candidate carefully chosen for my little experiment.

Fast Forward

Again and again I discover that writing the blog is like walking the dog - need to do it everyday - I knew that already, but it keeps on sneaking on me. Just when you're happy you dont write because you're too busy being happy, when you're depressed you dont write because you dont want to sound depressed and all your view on the reality is distorted. So you have to be kind of sad and definitely a bit lonely to feel like this task is what you can do well at the moment. Well I have to hurry because my ex with whom I am sharing a bed for a couple of nights in the snowing and frozen london, just arrived, and he snores. Once he finishes to eat in the kitchen and gets in to bed all the fun will be over. OK thats boring, cross that all out. What I meant to say is that being an artist or a writer is such an emotional roller-coaster - you live inside your head and then you really come out only when you're vulnerable. Budding artists and snails are the same in this respect. I used to think that most of greatest art was created out of sadness. Look at all the great composers, its pointless to name them. With each one there are these happier uplifting works and the deeply touching depressing, those that give you the sense of tragedy you never knew existed and depth of suffering you could not imagine was there. But above all its underlying sadness thats haunting. In all the happy moments, here and there like a sand many days after a visit to a beach, a note of sadness creeps in your shoe like a grain of sand and though being only one note, it cuts like a knife deep into the heart and plants the awful seed. So thats what I used to think now I dont know if I am only projecting my own laziness on other people who were much more awarded and worked for their fame very hard, but who knows they're all dead and those that are alive would never admit to being lazy. One I know that did was Czeslaw Milosz, I read in one or two of his poems how lazy he thought he was, but then he got a Nobel Prize and even lived to write about it. But yes - sad, lonely and distant from people seems to be the combination that works. Perhaps thats why I travel so much but, why in hell I chose those big cities. They're so full of wonderful adventures and so alienating, but that dichotomy is false. Anyway, he's snoring like a train. More later then.

Prelude: At odds with myself.

Writing of this blog has become increasingly difficult, not for the lack of commitment or confidence, but for the attempts to maintain a delicate balance between my real opinion and real-life relationships with people about whom I write. I wouldn't want to offend anyone and people who are my real life characters have feelings and those get communicated to me all too loud to just disregard them. If was the value of this blog that i would write about my life and people who surround me and I would not try to be politically correct. maintaining that credo resulted in lots of topics not being touched. My current bf Tommy beyond the initial posts when everything was a bliss, my ex boyfriend Davide who deserved at least three chapters of getting to know him and falling in love at the same time with him and venice, living with him and observing the magical vail of this city clear from my eyes and making me realize the reality and a true character of a person I was with, then the breakup and post breakup chapter, all that being very difficult to write when you try to be honest and truth especially about us when voiced by other people hurts and one has to be a really evolved being to take in the criticism and not hold a grudge against their critic. Well I am the first one to criticize myself but as I dont want to set the tone of this book to self deprecating I will resort to criticizing others for the most part, I am not all that intreating and we do have to keep it fresh... Lets then make this an enigmatic Prelude to a more serious Introduction of several Acts to follow. But have I answered the core question here? - will it or will it not be politically correct regardless of the consequences. Or should i just reinvent everyone's names and turn reality blog to a based on reality fiction book. Somehow the latter seems to less entertaining but the jury is still out on that.

Being an ex is never easy.

Today, I meant to post something completely different, but I feel obliged to answer to one of the online comments that were made. The comment was to the last posting and it was written by Tommy's former boyfriend, clearly upset that Tommy is moving on with his life. I do not know the guy, I never met him, I never inquired about him or he never held any of my interest, so its hard for me to offer any more information beyond what you can read yourself in his comment. In fact I dont even know his name. Let me just pre-empty what I'm going to say, and let all of you that find my blog interesting that this posting will be plain boring. In other words stop reading here unless some mediocre drama may entertain you. So Dear Tommy's ex bf, whoever you are, Thank you for your comment, I appreciate all the comments. I'm afraid though it is really bad for you, being Tommy's ex boyfriend, to try to use his former affection for you as a method to stay at his house or sleep with him every night like you wrote. Why do you do that? That relationship is over and you are only making yourself unhappy by trying to stay in Tommy's company, showing him you're jealous and angry by writing hurt and confused replies to my blog. Then you question him about me and are annoying to him making everything even worse. If I were you I would consider stop trying to go back to something that will never be the same and look for a new guy that you can build a happy life with. I dont know you, I just feel sorry that you are clearly hurting yourself and make life difficult for you and for Tommy. Remember that ex-boyfriend should be supportive of his ex's attempts on building a new life - thats a normal human courtesy. I know I am going to sound like a shrink on bad TV which is just so boring, but I feel I have to remind you what everyone knows - you need a break from your ex to be happy again. Otherwise, in time,  you will loose his friendship and any remaining affection he may hold for you. Its ABC of a break up and every person knows this - you need distance, you need time away, you need limited contact. And last but not least, if you cannot handle the truth, dont read my blog. But again thank you for writing, it is my personal blog but I want that people directly or indirectly connected with the events I describe, feel they can have their voice heard.

Naked in Athens

BLOG ATHENS Such a big break took place since I was able to post the last bog it seems half a year went by, so the things are freshest in my mind are most recent so I will be trying to fill the gap going backwards from. At the moment I am at the plane as its a good place to write, returning from Athens to London. In fact this is the secant time I was in Athens during the last two months and all by chance. THis time I went with Tommy Hawk (picture) to do a live sex performance at a club called FC-UK. I must say I was expecting everything but not the personal touch we received from the owner of the club, who put us in a nice hotel, sent cars to pick us up form the airport and was thee pretty much available to us at any time to solve the silliest of problems like when I forgot my gym sneakers. I do think he likes me more than other performers and since I speak polish with him we quickly struck a common note that was resonating throughout the whole vist. It would genuine courtesy and treatment you can expect only if you were a prince staying in a five star L hotel. Speaking of hotel you know how california studios put you in a shabby cheap place with tiny rooms in San Francisco near their studio. Ours was elegant bran new 4 star hotel right in the heart of the city. But then again Paul is an angel and can safely recommend his club as a great appearance opportunity for any model. If you ever go to Athens do visit FC-UK because although the city looks shabby and falling apart from the outside, having a dirty borderline eastern felling to it, this cruising club is completely modern and well organized as much for cruising as much for sex. The performance space is great and allows for 150 people to watch the show from two levels and the staircase. Its clean, lit with proper atmosphere and I had lots of fun using the sling and other fuck-places without a feeling like I am going to catch smoothing any moment, which you often get even at famous places like Berlin's Laboratory and London's Hard On, although I will give it to the latter two that its really hard to keep the fuck surfaces clean when you have 500 people coming to a 6 hour long party. FC-UK however with its 150 nightly attendance has enough guys to get laid but maintains a chamber sexually charged atmosphere that doesn't disperse over large spaces other clubs have. I will post some photos form our performance. The show itself was a success but how could it not be when we looked great with Tommy and, six-packs tattoos and oiled muscles., and Tommy's ass is well…I think I wrote about it already but I just cant get enough each time. Clearly he couldn't get enough of mine so we fucked and fisted to the popular applause of the gathered audience. Since the club was so much fun instead of one we did three shows, one dirtier than the other. And there is something to say about Tommy being my preferred sex partner above everyone I remember. With each boyfriend you when you're high on love in the first stages of relationship you have at least one or two such experiences - these when you feel high yet you've taken no drugs. When you dont know whats going on in your brain, level of intoxication reaching beyond anything you have experienced before. Outside of Tommy in my life I think it happened only once and it was sex with Owen Hawk after a year long dating, mating and feeling it would be wrong to go to bed together since we were best friends and business partners. We were also in love and it happened one day coming down like a stunning tornado that moves the whole sky with its vortex but normally its never seen in this part of the country. So unexpected, so powerful, it carried us higher and higher spinning faster and faster. We held to each other kissing and we didn't know if we were rolling on the bed or was it the imaginary tornado holding us in some euphoric dance. Never before or after I felt so high and so united with another person. So coming back to Tommy, sex with him is each time close to that first experience, endorphins flowing freely and every kiss sweeping me off my feet. I'm a great kisser but Tommy even more tries to improve my skill and tells me from time to time to relax my lips. God, if I relax them I feel like I'm falling hundred stories down and if he didn't hold me tight I'd probably fell into heaven and God knows what that'll be like. In short sex with Tommy, stunning body visuals included is just constant bliss, addictive as Mozart's Requiem from the first listening. Many times I traveled across europe to hear live Requiem in moving performances of my favorite conductors, as many times I traveled to Madrid to see Tommy and to drink bliss straight from his lips. In fact i didn't need the money I was paid for the performance I just wanted to see him an since he makes little money and cant afford to travel I organize these promotional gigs to give us opportunity to meet and for him to make some cash, as he's very proud and he wont let me pay for him, what a refreshing quality. Still I end up paying for all the travel since I always have to go to him then. So it was any two nights but I indulged enough in the warmth of his body and beauty of his face, From day one though I though it was a hopeless love, difference in social standing, difference in education, difference in language and difference in background. Love though has the tricky quality of making you appreciate it most when you miss it - and thats our whole relationship two days here, three days there, always intense, always sincere in affection, always lacking on time. Like a walk through the palace garden in the summer afternoon, full of enchanting corners, warm scents of rare flowers, captivating plant designs, narrow cosy pathways leading from the carmine rose section to the yellow tulip garden. You segue the path and sit on a bench in front of a fountain to listen the the bubbling water and noise of the sandy pebbles under your feet. The moment so fragile and it lasts no longer than a visit of a sparrow, you know the next group of tourists is just around the corner. On occasional visits to the park you dont notice the buckets with gardeners tools, long hoses rolled out each morning for the irrigation and the petal loosing plants that just wont be happy and die. Each time I re-visit my love to tommy I find myself in the enchanting garden, and when I'm not with him I miss him, my love growing for the place that doesn't exist. Only remembering perfection I'm about to wake up, not now though, not now. The afternoon sun still caresses my face and the view of his innocent cheerful face is still unspoiled by sadness. For now the group of tourists with children went the other way. The garden is our again.

Today back online!

After what it seemed to be eternity I managed to get someone to help me fix the blog functionality and if everything is cool I van start posting all the juicy chapters I was forced to wrote to my harddrive.