Music in the tropics

I hear there is snow in Venice, I could not be any more removed from it. Here the biggest difference in weather is if it completely sunny or partially cloudy. Sometimes the wind varies a bit. I bought myself a kite and a board and have been taking kitesurfing lessons. This sport seems a lot of fun but its extremely dangerous as the kite has so much force it can lift you up many feet in the air and it can be fun when its controlled but it terrifying when you dont expect it and get catapulted into the air with razor sharp kite lines cutting through the air and anything they encounter. There are safety fuses to disconnect you but usually everything happens so fast you don't have time to engage them. Windsurfing feels a lot safer though here as well you can get stranded a couple of miles off shore with the wind blowing into the ocean. All this is a very adrenaline and serotonin producing experience so I feel super tired every day and can barely walk home from the beach but at the same time I have a sense of accomplishing something super difficult and highly satisfying. Each day I feel I lived to die another day. I suppose I could be better at both of these sports and have less dramatic experience and but its all about learning and these sports teach you how not to give up. As I am writing this I am rocking in a hammock listening to crickets and Schostakovitch, who's last fuge (d minor, 4 voice double fuge), from the 24 preludes and fuges finally yesterday dawned on me and I felt I understood its meaning and function in the cycle. It took me a year I suppose to get it but I finally understood that the secret lies in a path that you have to walk with him thought the last 10 preludes and fuges and only if you manage to let yourself go and be manipulated by them, the ever-changing roller coaster arrives a this final train stop through a path that needed to be discovered. And then in the end you get a present from him in form of a kind of katharsis that happens at the culmination of that fuge. I read a whole bunch about it because i could not get inside this last fuge. Development, structure and subject seemed odd and not very musical to me. But neither reading or repetitive listening to it detached from the cycle would do the trick. And the yesterday it happened when I followed the path. Still I can understand many comments I read about it being inaccessible as the cycle is long and to listen to it and stay focused till the end required learning by hearth many of the earlier fragments so your brail is not completely tired by the time you arrive at this grand ending. I assume I listened to this cycle over a year and a half at least a thousand times. Some days must have been several times. How's that for music that never gets boring!

Horror before my eyes.

My boyfriend is in a hospital for the past three weeks trying to survive a serious septic shock that was a direct fault direct of two times negligent misdiagnosis at the emergency room. He is in a coma and I am by his bedside days and nights living the horror of something so dear to me being taken away from me by the very same people who were supposed to prevent it. As I cannot manage psychologically the string of never-ending bad news of complications, I try to distract myself thinking of work. Normally I would be studying and shooting porn, but now I have more shocking footage to work on; its a video account of when my current boyfriend was dying and fighting for his life in the past three weeks Its a documentary, me talking to the camera each day recounting events, making some observations, trying not to cry mostly shot in the taxis, hospital hallways with my iphone and two other cameras I have some right in the open, some undercover in the ICU rooms. Story that's filmed live that nobody knows how its going to end - live documentary normally documentary you do after the facts, this one is shown as we go along and at times its as hard to watch as Lars von Trier. The wors it that its all not over yet and it can go either way and I am not keeping the viewer guessing to keep the tension but just present an account of each days events that just happen to be like this. The name of this film will be something like 31 days and I will end it the day when he walks out of the Intensive Care Unit either stable and alive or in a plastic bag. But I need to watch the footage and think what else I should be recording. Just me talking, no matter how captivating it is is not enough. I think I have hours of tape by now. Its interesting its showing the world collapsing around me and how I change and how have to adapt and how horrible choices I have to make to go through it. I am by myself shooting this and I can to be respectful to my boyfriend and really take care of him at the same time so i give him say 13 hours of undivided attention and I film for 15 minutes. There will be many people who will question my motives and will judge me on as many levels as possible, mostly not believing how could I think of helping my bf and at the same time have a head to profit from his and mine suffering. While in fact I am just watching a film happening in front of my eyes and its so gruesome its hard not to film it. Perhaps that documentary is what keeps me sane through those hard days when my life otherwise seems in suspension. When its edited I will set it all the well known dramatic classical music for a greater effect. M

No longer a porn blog?

I could not be any further from writing a porn bog entry and I feel what I'm about to write if in anyway it is only connected to the porn because a porn actor is writing it, but with sex it could not have any less to do. Since we took the blog offline I actually dont know where it exists and if anyone can even read it anymore but I suppose if I can log in it will get published somewhere in the cyberspace.

My new raw top discovery

Most of you dont know that but after the success of the first three Halcyon line movies which I made last year in Brazil I am again in Rio filming awau and wanted to share with you my new raw top discovery. Please let me know if you guys think he has too dark skin for Dark Alley...no pun intended. Other than that I had a lot of very good looking guys participating in the shoots this year. Last two weeks I am having problems filming because guys from the pimp are not willing to work with the guys from the sauna. The ones from the pimp have identity issues and claim they are all straight, the ones from the sauna are wanna be gay and so I have to mobs not being able to be honest with each other, both pretending something they are not, refreshing indeed.

We couldn't be any different.

Not me and you - my reader, of course, although that applies more than I'm aware of, but me and my new beau, who I have no clue why, I thought was not going to be yet another question mark in my disastrous line of wanna-be-boyfriends. Like I wrote you before he's sweet, great looking, body to drool over, loves the same type of sex though didn't have much experience and for a change is a lawyer with a degree in in law and a job as one. Thats refreshing coming from someone who keeps on dating broken house disasters. Well for the lack of the better word I think I failed again or did I?. I spent a few days and got involved with someone who has 3500 G.I. Joe toys in his two bedroom, of course proud of putting them together himself since he was five. Who can blame the guy? If I ewas born here this might be my cultural access and influence. - in Rio more than in other places influence of American modern culture is more apparent than from good old mother Portugal. For joyful carefree need of association with some real culture he tattooed today characters from Almodovar movie Kika on his arm, which must be up there for him with other pinnacles of high culture. I dont know if I dont despise that as much as I envy it. Maybe I should tattoo facsimile Beethoven and Schostakovich on my biceps and dont care what anybody says. And from there its a way downhill with popular but by any means not enlightening TV shows and other mainstream pop movies filling his shelf while the room which he occupies is adorned with a TV the width of his bed. Is he going to make me watch all of them? I guess his free out of jail card were the DVD' of Amadeus and The Hours, but very good films though one more commercial then other. No to mention that he is a Cancer like my father and we all know how well that relationship turned out. Aries and Cancer - not a good match but OK , I'll turn a blind eye on astrology since its not an exact science. In other words we couldn't be any different or more incompatible, and I am fooling myself if I dont admit we can have a different than apparent future where I am gradually becoming bored with his common place interests and predictable character. So where do I make the mistake? I am supposed to be intelligent but an intelligent person makes new mistakes not the old ones. Repeating them with expectation of a different effect is a sign of madness - then I am clearly mad, and why yet again I am fooling myself? Is it the compliments? But why would I fall for such a cheap form of manipulation? Is it the great body, cute face and gorgeous smile - all the things that will perish in time, or os it my own inability to date someone my age who doesn't look most fresh. The last four guys I dated are 6 to 7 years younger and their young looks make me feel younger, thats for sure. They are all 29 or 30 but thats not change the fact I'm going to be 40 in 4 years. So why do I persistently keep on dating "children". I gather its their curiosity and the fact that making them fall in love with me is so easy. They're innocent and I show them things they've never done before. It is that simple they discover themselves through me so they are smart to go along with it but why do I do it, what do I discover? Most likely I am searching for myself as much as they do and since its so difficult to grow through development with people who know more than you do, you can grow by observing yourself with people that know and understand less. The innocence is always like a clean slate you can write of or a breath of fresh air, hard to come by in an intelligent person as its usually guarded, but once on the inside you have unrestricted access to it and maybe its just fun to see how you can mold it. Perhaps this is why I spend my time with them its just like being a parent and seeing them grow - except the fun is much more involving when you raise a 29 year old into what you want. Did I mention that he is charming and helpful and intelligent. I dont know maybe I should settle for what I can have and mold - a rough diamond. As long as you do it unnoticeably and to their pleasure you can perhaps mold them. Last but not least it would make sense to have a house in Rio since anyway I am here 3-4 months each year as my arthritis hates the winter and the added benefit is I have already some friends here, my Portuguese is getting there with a funny accent but my new beau is very very helpful in teaching me and almost refuses to speak English. I think we fell in love, so easy with me, and lets see how long it lasts. I feel like a butterfly jumping from one lovely guy to another till I feel I found the right one. Wouldn't be better to have a period of alone time? I dont know without a bf I am very unproductive an depressive. No matter how it ends I am very grateful to each one of them to sharing a period of their life with me and for showering me with kisses and attention and compliments and ultimately becoming my dear friends. So what is there to loose. And if 3500 G.I Joes may seem scary at first it may also signify a lifelong attachment to something one loves and discipline in continuing the interests to the fullest - so its all up the the point of view. All I can say is that despite all my cynicism I am excited to spend the following three weeks in his home where he generously invited me, polish my Portuguese and get to know this sweet guy better. I promise you'll know how it turned out. Matt

Staying in touch.

Thanks God nobody reads this and Owen doesn't care what I write. In fact thats the only reason why I write, so seldom these days but I do often into my laptop, on the planes, stories never finished that go beyond the scope of a blog, mostly because I think as a pornographer I am already judged so nobody is going to judge me even more reading this. Maybe other porn company owners can cast the ultinate judgement that I am not promoting big dicks and using this blog as a personal confession stand rather then pages full of filth thats supposed to sell more product and promote more fake images of "stars". Well here is one that likes to keep things real. So why did I bother to open this window after months? Maybe I was opening it everyday, writing virtually to it just never really seeing the end to any of the stories I started. Real life gets always convoluted in the shortcomings of our own pursuits. Nothing ever works out exactly like it should, there are no easy answers and trivializing life to get them leads to no useful conclusions. Neither today I have nothing really useful to offer, rather yet another confusing question prompted me to write. How do we stay in touch? With our friends, our parents, other people important to us. how do we do it - how do we decide - you will get a personal; letter and you wont, who will get that last bit of attention we have to offer. Our last five minutes before we go to bed or first five before we get out of it to start a busy day. Friends with whom we used to be close but we're not anymore, though there is really no other reason than that we're in another place on earth and they are just not around to meet for coffee. But how could they be we life crazy lives, I least I do 3-4 months a year in my own city, thats not promoting friendship life - thats a disaster for everyone who wants to be your friend. So to get to the core of the issue I think the answer has always been for people in my situation very practical and selfish. yes I'll use this word for there is no other to describe that in life we stay in touch with people who offer us a useful exchange. May it be financial, intelectual, perhaps sexual but always there has to be somtheing they have to offer beyond they telling you news in your life and you telling them news from yours. Such an altruistic friendship is short lived and better maintained as a monologue in ones memory rather than disappointing dialogue of emails with decreasing frequency. So from the bat, who are we not going to write to? Is it more my ex or my exe's mother with whom perhaps I had a closer relationship? Is it my old home doctor or the pharmacist? Which one of them could be more useful in the future? Or maybe even that friend who could get me free concert tickets or another one who had good contacts in the underground. I can never decide between the farther and grandfather though, my landlord or the manager at my former bank, although the latter are less likely to be your friends at all unless you live in a really small city.

Crisis of Morality Part II (cont. from story started in the summer.)

It's December 2010 but 6 months later I still have my head full of thoughts on this summer Spanish trip of mind. So Lets rewind to July 7. Yes the trip took place indeed. Yes I met the models, hookers and wanna-be lovers. No I didn't see the city much. Has anything remained? As i sat on the return airplane, I had a strong feeling of intoxication with a couple of people in particular with one... Have I left my hear in Madrid? Thats yet to be seen but i definitely had to squeeze out some more love from that heart for yet another person. So to organize events, I arrived early afternoon and frantically looked for a barber and a gym so i could look good for my evening date with Allesandro the Brazilian hooker whom I mentioned in the previous chapter. The weather was hot and full of hot muscled young guys arriving for the gay pride. I guess to accomplish my task of finding a new boyfriend I could have been staying in my hotel for the whole time and just hanging out by the elevators, - those were full of beef with wide open eyes looking right and left checking everybody out. You could smell the air thickening from male pheromones. One day when I'm old and crippled by arthritis I will remember these days as so happy and so confusing. Sex drive and sex addiction being same for me, can both give you some of the most wonderful experiences and blind you to the outside world. Whats better?; go see the three important Madrid museums or make out for hours with three most gorgeous guys you can find. Maybe it takes two separate trips. On the pic it Tommy, one of the guys I met duriong that trip. Clearly pissed off at me and uncomfortable probably chewing his jaws at that moment - but therefore so adorable. So much passion in these eyes, so much yearning and insecurity, so much restrained anger - so much love mixed with hate. Once of the most endearing sights. I always thought that day with each glance Tommy was drilling with his piercing eyes inside my brain, looking for some answers trying to analyze me. Answers he didn't know for what. Poor thing was so lost and so angry one moment and so tender another. Turbulent youth at best. Today I miss him so much. In the next post I'll introduce another candidate carefully chosen for my little experiment.